All my life I’ve known I was a switch. Some of my earliest memories were of complicated muddled sexual fantasies. Starting somewhere in damsel in distress territory. Child-like daydreams of being kidnapped by pirates and tied to the mast (such a rope bunny even before I knew what it was). Helpless and vulnerable I can remember the thrill of these thoughts. I remember hoping the pirates would violate me, praying for it even.
Allowing my grown-up daydream version of me to pout in my head and push her tits against the ropes alluringly. Whilst the frustrated sea dogs touched me and told me all the filthy things they were going to do with me. Loving the freedom being captive gave me. Permission to enjoy being used and abused by a handful of horny men.
But gradually as my fantasy would play out in my head it would develop and change. Won over by my slutty super powers I’d be released and in control, free to punish my now adoring crew for their liberty taking. Wielding a multi-tailed whip, I’d feel the thrill as my fantasy-self cracked it across their backs until they bled. Whilst they begged for more, calling me their Pirate Princess.
At the time these thoughts confused me, even as a young adult I felt like a fraud for not having a marked preference. I was still learning my own kinks and unravelling the things which turned me on. BDSM would always feature highly but I just couldn’t find my part to play within this.
I felt like a crap submissive. Unable to blindly submit, I’d love to I really would but it’s not in me. As I’ve grown I’ve learnt my submissive side is bratty. I need to be pushed and forced to toe the line. I will challenge boundaries. A huge part of this is because a massive section of my psyche is Dominant.
I’m naturally Dominant. I expect things to go my way. I work in an industry which requires me to be headstrong and bullish, especially in a senior capacity. And I thrive in this environment. Sexual Dominance appeals to me because I feel a need to conquer. To take a partner apart piece by piece and reduce them to sexual rubble. Then rebuild them afterwards. The powerful feeling when a man kneels for you, wanting only to please you. Watching him unravel as you unpick his sexual stitches.
And yet sometimes when I’m Domming I yearn for the other side of the coin. I want to give up the control and let someone else take me apart and reduce me to my most basic instincts and needs. To crawl and beg and be used. Wanting the freedom subbing brings.
Giving it a Name
I remember the first time someone told me I was a switch. Why do things make more sense once someone’s given them a name? To me it’s perfectly reasonable that I wouldn’t want to play just one role within my sexual life. I want to experience it all.
To me switching is as valid a role as being a Dom or sub. I’ve had people snort derisively at this assertion. As if somehow my inability to choose makes my preference less important. This is bollocks. I once had a partner tell me I lack commitment because I’m a bisexual switch. I can’t choose between boys and girls and I can’t choose between subbing and Doming. That can fuck off too.
MY sexuality, preferences and choices are just that. MINE. It’s not that I don’t want to commit to one thing or the other. It’s simply I enjoy both. I enjoy the feeling of being restrained and tortured with pleasure. I love the way being vulnerable and intimidated pushes my buttons. But this shouldn’t disclude me from the pleasures of being in control. For me it’s a person-centric experience and how I respond changes partner to partner.
Just like with attraction it’s person not gender which does it for me, with status within the play it’s dependant upon the dynamic between me and whoever I’m playing with. My sexuality is very fluid, and always changing and developing. I love this about myself. I feel like I’m at one with it. Constantly growing and absorbing new ways to enjoy myself and bring pleasure to others.
There is so much snobbery within the BDSM community. I’m aware I’m risking being lynched here but it’s true. The bi-erasure and belief that unless you follow specific practices then you’re not a true Dom or sub etc. I’m calling bullshit. If I want to be a Dom that begs occasionally then I will. If I want to be a sub that also loves to call the shots I will. If I want to fuck men, women and both together then I will. The only rule book that counts is my own.