Dominant/submissive relationships hit the mainstream mentality in a huge way in recent years due to the success of 50 Shades of Grey. For some people this glimpse into the mindset of a BDSM relationship was shocking. For others arousing, possibly sparking new interests they didn’t know they had.

I know within the BDSM community 50 Shades is pretty much scorned at but whilst I didn’t go much on the story I did admire the way it made BDSM relationships a talking point in the mainstream.

Yin and Yang

It occurs to me that the structure of a D/s relationship isn’t that different to a vanilla one. It’s just levels of extremes. Most relationships have a partner that takes the lead in making decisions and instigates sexual play more often than not.

There is a natural rhythm within relationships which requires a certain yin/yang. To me a D/s relationship is just a magnified version of this. Whilst I’m sure the very word Dominant conjures up images of suit wearing, belt wielding sex gods, Doms come in many varieties.

Dominance Isn’t Just Physical

There are plenty of awesome Mistresses/Dommes and mummy’s/daddy’s who take on the role of top within their relationship. You certainly don’t need a “red room of pain” either. For me Dominance is more about the attitude.

The way certain phrases are said or even a look can be just as important in Dominance as props and equipment. My man can inspire total submission from me with just an expression or a tone. And I’m equally fond of forcing him to tell me who he belongs to, simply to remind him.

The Beauty of Switching

It’s a complete myth that you can only be Dom or sub within a relationship. I favour both depending on my mood and the circumstances, this makes me a switch. I like to Domme in the right circumstances and the sadist in me definitely enjoys having my partner at my mercy. However I find in my current relationship I’m much more comfortable playing a submissive role than I ever have been.

I put this down to trust. I trust him to know me well enough to know how to Dominate me in a way which I’m happy with. And that he knows how far he can take this without breaking me totally. He enjoys experimenting with both elements of his sexuality too so for us this is a perfect fit.

Submission Requires Trust

There is much misunderstanding surrounding submission. This isn’t the same as an abusive relationship although there may be violent elements and aggressive language used. In a D/s relationship submission is given freely never coerced. There is always consent and usually a safe word is in play for the protection of the submissive.

Hard limits are discussed beforehand to keep play safe and within the comfort zone of all parties. Whilst my man might throw me around the bedroom at certain times its only because I beg him to do it. He would never even consider behaving in this way to me outside of our sexual play. And nor would I.

Please don’t feel like a submissive is to be pitied. They give their submission freely. More often than not submissives are people who are very strong-willed in life who just enjoy handing over control for a bit.

Playing as a Little

Recently the emergence of Daddy/Mummy Doms has further added to the mystery surrounding Domination. To people outside of a BDSM lifestyle it’s very hard to imagine what someone could get out of taking on the qualities of a child within their relationship. But just like for normal submissives, littles or kittens find it incredibly freeing.

It often allows them to live a life almost free of responsibility depending on how far their life is incorporated into the DD/lg play. Some people choose to live this lifestyle 24/7 rarely breaking from their chosen role such is their absorption and commitment to this way of living. That isn’t for me however I do constantly wear a reminder of who I belong to, a symbol of commitment if you like.

Emotional Connection

For me I actually find I feel closest to my man after we have played with D/s themes within our sex sessions. The intensity of the sex is so heightened it amplifies my emotions too. Whichever of us is submitting will often feel extreme vulnerability. This in turn switches on emotional connections I’d never made previously.

When I’m Dominating I feel a real rush of love and pride at his willingness to submit to me. At his ability to allow me to push his boundaries much further than he thought he was comfortable with.

It’s often the times after these intense BDSM play sessions that I feel the deepest connection with him. Like nothing else in the world matters just me and him. It feels like an unbreakable bond and a tie that binds us emotionally just as the cuffs and spreaders do physically. I don’t fully understand why though I do believe it’s something to do with accessing the deepest most primal urges together and exploring it almost as one.

Exchanging Power

I’ve Dominated both male and female partners and it has to be said I get infinitely more satisfaction out of Dominating men. Maybe it’s the power exchange compared to what feels more like a level playing field with another woman or maybe it’s my latent feminism but it just pushes my buttons.

When I submit to my man it robs me of my all important control. Taking away my ability to steer play in the direction I want and puts me on the back foot sexually. It surprised me to find how unsure I was when playing the submissives role. It makes me feel like a virgin again and this makes it a very new and exciting element to my sex life when I’ve always been super confident almost to the point of arrogance.

BDSM Isn’t New

BDSM is far from a new thing. The Marquis de Sade wrote two centuries ago “It is always by way of pain that one arrives at pleasure”. It’s even believed that as far back as 9th century Sparta there were examples of sadomasochistic practices as a form of sexual expression.

The very notion of wanting to be Dominated is almost a hark back to the Neanderthal days. It strips away civility and convention and allows us to admit to wanting things polite society tell us we shouldn’t want. Fuck polite society.

I fully understand not everyone wants to be smacked or choked during sex. Nor do they all want to humiliate and degrade someone they love but for those of us that do I promise you it’s a mutual expression of love, not a form of abuse.



  1. Thanks Candy – very enlightening piece. I read it in conjunction with one written by Bex and I feel I have a better understanding of the D/s mindsets and dynamics now. I can definitely see how it strengthens the emotional bonds to hand control over to someone else, you seem to have the best of both worlds with your ability to ‘switch’.


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